favitz

So of all the ridiculous things, I seem to have developed a minor sore throat. It's so vague that I still don't consider myself sick, but it's damned uncomfortable. Like there's a bad cat scratch on the front of my throat.

buh, at least it's something that will solve itself given a bit of time.

Dear internet:

Thank you for reminding me why I don't go to forums. I promise I learned my lesson this time and won't do it again.

hnn. I hadn't thought about it really. Or...I suppose it's more I hadn't focused on it.

But I suppose I should explain.

If you're watching my livejournal chances are you know I've rejected the vast majority of my biological family and picked my real family.

On the off-chance that you're unaware: my biological family, excepting my mother who I'm on excellent terms with these days, are all abusive to varying degrees. Which is why I've pushed them out of my life.

Anyway. They all did their number on me before I could get them away from me. They all left their mental scars.

I don't much think about my past, but every now and then something will wander through my thoughts, it happens.

What I hadn't really focused on until, well yesterday I think, was my reaction to the random thoughts of my past.

In the Dark Years the thoughts would just push along the circle of depression. When I was first out of those years and barely pulling myself together they would usually frighten me. In more recent years they would inspire vicious anger towards those that did these things to me, in one person's case with so much venom that I would say hate and mean every drop of it.

But now? It's just....there really. I'm still angry with these people yes. What they did to me was wrong, and they have no regrets. So I'm justified in my anger. But the venom is gone. The emotional scars have all left, and it seems even the mental scars have mostly faded.

My memories from the dark years and before are still spotty. I suspect there's still some horrors repressed. But I don't really care about that. If those memories chose to surface I think I can deal with it, especially knowing I'll have Dorian's support. And if those memories stay repressed then that's fine by me

Merry Christmas all

It is supposed to be almost winter. Why, then, is it 70 outside? and sunny ALL THE TIME. I would take loads of rain at this oint, honestly.

This is the kind of messed up weather I grew up with I admit. But that was in Colorado where it is a desert and if you GOT anything other than dry, bright, and hot it was at random and very strange. For example when there was 6 feet of snow in June.

And here I am in South Carolina, in December, and it is being dry, bright, and hot. And Colorado? It's under 20 degrees over there and SNOWING.

ugh, it's just one of those days it seems.

No no, not one of those days where everything goes wrong, things have actually been going fairly well today. It's just one of those days where I DROP EVERYTHING!

Fortunately only one thing has suffered because of this today. Unfortunately that one thing was the aquarium we were keeping Galahad in. *headdesk*

At least this was when I was washing the thing, and so Galahad wasn't IN the aquarium.

Fortunately we had a spare cage up in the attic we could bring down to put him in. It's a bit small for him, but he'll be okay in it for a few days.

Now to get on with my day. And avoid touching breakable things if I can.

It's almost shocking just how dramatic my lack of time is when Dorian isn't with me to give me an idea of how much time has past.

He ended up having to go back to bed for a while today and because of that I have NO IDEA when I woke up, no idea how long I've been awake(and as a side effect no idea if I'm allowed to be kind of sleepy or if my body is just on crack), and no idea how long HE was asleep.

Dorian and I were getting ready to make a big salad for dinner. When we took the package of mushroom out of the refrigerator we discovered that one of them was growing MOLD.

Okay, first of all, we've only had these mushrooms for TWO DAYS.

And second, mushrooms don't grow mold when they go bad! Mushroom ARE a form of mold! When they go bad they melt!

I'm supposed to be sleeping right now.

yeah, not sleepy

*flail*

on the one hand I'm pleased that my period seems to be back to doing something resembling normal.

on the other hand did it HAVE to start off with one of the periods that's got very little blood but makes up for it with pain

*weeps*

happy Thanksgiving all

So I suppose I out to, y'know, update once in a while?

....yeah I never am very good about that really.

Um, so we've had a new rat for a while now. Dorian may or may not have mentioned it. We named him Galahad. I swear he's the cutest rat in the world.

I actually have the beginings of a commission right now. An online friend of mine who is part of the group that runs NerdaCon at Columbus State University asked me to design a banner for the next one coming up, and said since I'd already done a couple things for him for free he'd pay me this time. He doesn't need it till some time in February, so I've got plenty of time. I've already got a few ideas though

In the TMI area, I actually havn't had any kind of perioding at all for about a week now. I'm hoping to be done with that BS forever, but frankly I'd be happy with just having a normal period again.

You know for making a post just cause I hadn't in a while and talking about what amounts to nothing I made a pretty big entry...

Well shit.

My rat Tofu died today.

She had what we thought was a benign tumor, so earlier today we took her in for surgery. She made it through that okay. But between the surgery and us getting there to pick her up she passed away.

....and it's only really starting to hit me now that my baby is dead.

And the car is still out so we can't take her to the park to bury her, we need to think of somewhere we can walk to.

bleh. So there's the actual period for the month. Started...yesterday? a couple days ago? One of those. Seems to be slowing down already. huzzah. How it even functions still is beyond me, honestly. Buuuuuuut I haven't been to a doctor and had it looked at in a very long time, so maybe it's not in as bad of shape as I think it should be? Whatever, I still want the thing out.

So... My period is halted for now. My lower back is giving me problems by aching at least a little when I wake up, but whatever that's nothing new.

Let me see... I'm currently reading The Glasswrights' Journyman, It's the thirs in a series. The books themselves are fantastic, except for the beginning. The author, Mindy Klasky, is horrid at BEGGINING a story. The first few chapters are pain. But having done a bit of research I've discovered that the Glasswright series is her first series of books, so I'm a bit more forgiving.

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!?!?!?!?!

(TMI, seriously)

oh god the bloody floodgates have opened. a tampon is a must, or every time I twitch I squelch into my pad.

And the clots. Jesus H. Christ the clots. I'M ROTTING AND FALLING APART!

I swear to god one of my fallopian tubes was attached to the last tampon I pulled out

Why am I not dead? seriously *flop*

What in the hell is up with this period?

yeah, more TMI. If you don't want to hear it my journal isn't the best place to hang out. As it is this is going to be one of the more detailed adventures. I mean even *I* think this stuff is TMI.

.............so seriously, go away if you don't want to hear all about my girly woes.



So anyway. Period. It seems to be starting to end, the blood is taking on the orangy color I assosiate with an ending period anyway. I've also come to the conclusion that maybe that week before the blood started I really WAS perioding, and it just took that long to actually find a way out. Gross, but my internal works are twisted and bizarre enough that I'd buy it.

Also, I'm wearing a pad, but almost don't have to. There will be droplets of blood on the pad. Then I wipe this whole glob out. GROSS.

I HATE computers. Serious.

Se we got a new chipset fan for Dorian's computer. Installing it was a bitch and a half.

And now there's some problem with the video card or something. Half the time the monitor doesn't register the computer as on, the rest it gets stuck on the loading screen.

FUCK!

Cramps. Why god why. And did you have to give me a little real bleeding?

But I digress and get on to the real thing I wanted to update with.

There's a gaming forum I go to. Went to, lurk at, whatever. I used to go there all the time because there were a few people I really enjoyed talking to, and it was a place away from the insanity that went on at the board we all met on over the summer. A couple of them just went back to the big board, because that one I'm talking about is falling apart and they know it. One, the guy who runs the place, is no longer around but once in a blue moon because he's still trying to get his site FUNCTIONING.

But one guy? I don't understand. All I can think is it's someone else using his name. See, this is a guy I REALLY LIKE. He would talk to me wherever he saw me and always had great things to say about the art I would upload. Something happens and he needs a small break from online. Understandable. I told him I'd miss him and would see him whenever he came back.

So five days go by and he's back. Sad still, but back. Only.....he won't talk to me. There are SEVERAL places I have a chance to see him, and have spoken directly to him.....but he won't actually say anything to me. And it hurts. But I've seen him sad before, he doesn't ignore the people he cares about when he's sad. I was actually on the small list of people he WANTED to talk to when sad. I've gotten ONE comment from him this whole time in my art thread....and it wasn't even about my art.

I just....don't understand. I'm convinced it's someone else using his name, he's just not like this. But it still hurts so bad.

my hip is stupid. It's just out of place enough to be awkward and almost impossible to have my leg in a comfortable position.

On the period front, which probably means this is tmi, I'm having a not much of a period. It's more what I would expect from the END of my period o_O;