favitz

hnn. I hadn't thought about it really. Or...I suppose it's more I hadn't focused on it.

But I suppose I should explain.

If you're watching my livejournal chances are you know I've rejected the vast majority of my biological family and picked my real family.

On the off-chance that you're unaware: my biological family, excepting my mother who I'm on excellent terms with these days, are all abusive to varying degrees. Which is why I've pushed them out of my life.

Anyway. They all did their number on me before I could get them away from me. They all left their mental scars.

I don't much think about my past, but every now and then something will wander through my thoughts, it happens.

What I hadn't really focused on until, well yesterday I think, was my reaction to the random thoughts of my past.

In the Dark Years the thoughts would just push along the circle of depression. When I was first out of those years and barely pulling myself together they would usually frighten me. In more recent years they would inspire vicious anger towards those that did these things to me, in one person's case with so much venom that I would say hate and mean every drop of it.

But now? It's just....there really. I'm still angry with these people yes. What they did to me was wrong, and they have no regrets. So I'm justified in my anger. But the venom is gone. The emotional scars have all left, and it seems even the mental scars have mostly faded.

My memories from the dark years and before are still spotty. I suspect there's still some horrors repressed. But I don't really care about that. If those memories chose to surface I think I can deal with it, especially knowing I'll have Dorian's support. And if those memories stay repressed then that's fine by me