favitz

Sat, 19 Jan 2008 06:32:25 GMT

So of all the ridiculous things, I seem to have developed a minor sore throat. It's so vague that I still don't consider myself sick, but it's damned uncomfortable. Like there's a bad cat scratch on the front of my throat.

buh, at least it's something that will solve itself given a bit of time.

Wed, 16 Jan 2008 16:31:48 GMT

Dear internet:

Thank you for reminding me why I don't go to forums. I promise I learned my lesson this time and won't do it again.

Fri, 11 Jan 2008 21:15:38 GMT

hnn. I hadn't thought about it really. Or...I suppose it's more I hadn't focused on it.

But I suppose I should explain.

If you're watching my livejournal chances are you know I've rejected the vast majority of my biological family and picked my real family.

On the off-chance that you're unaware: my biological family, excepting my mother who I'm on excellent terms with these days, are all abusive to varying degrees. Which is why I've pushed them out of my life.

Anyway. They all did their number on me before I could get them away from me. They all left their mental scars.

I don't much think about my past, but every now and then something will wander through my thoughts, it happens.

What I hadn't really focused on until, well yesterday I think, was my reaction to the random thoughts of my past.

In the Dark Years the thoughts would just push along the circle of depression. When I was first out of those years and barely pulling myself together they would usually frighten me. In more recent years they would inspire vicious anger towards those that did these things to me, in one person's case with so much venom that I would say hate and mean every drop of it.

But now? It's just....there really. I'm still angry with these people yes. What they did to me was wrong, and they have no regrets. So I'm justified in my anger. But the venom is gone. The emotional scars have all left, and it seems even the mental scars have mostly faded.

My memories from the dark years and before are still spotty. I suspect there's still some horrors repressed. But I don't really care about that. If those memories chose to surface I think I can deal with it, especially knowing I'll have Dorian's support. And if those memories stay repressed then that's fine by me

Tue, 25 Dec 2007 02:40:05 GMT

Merry Christmas all

Tue, 11 Dec 2007 17:09:32 GMT

It is supposed to be almost winter. Why, then, is it 70 outside? and sunny ALL THE TIME. I would take loads of rain at this oint, honestly.

This is the kind of messed up weather I grew up with I admit. But that was in Colorado where it is a desert and if you GOT anything other than dry, bright, and hot it was at random and very strange. For example when there was 6 feet of snow in June.

And here I am in South Carolina, in December, and it is being dry, bright, and hot. And Colorado? It's under 20 degrees over there and SNOWING.

Sat, 08 Dec 2007 11:17:01 GMT

ugh, it's just one of those days it seems.

No no, not one of those days where everything goes wrong, things have actually been going fairly well today. It's just one of those days where I DROP EVERYTHING!

Fortunately only one thing has suffered because of this today. Unfortunately that one thing was the aquarium we were keeping Galahad in. *headdesk*

At least this was when I was washing the thing, and so Galahad wasn't IN the aquarium.

Fortunately we had a spare cage up in the attic we could bring down to put him in. It's a bit small for him, but he'll be okay in it for a few days.

Now to get on with my day. And avoid touching breakable things if I can.

Tue, 04 Dec 2007 00:02:34 GMT

It's almost shocking just how dramatic my lack of time is when Dorian isn't with me to give me an idea of how much time has past.

He ended up having to go back to bed for a while today and because of that I have NO IDEA when I woke up, no idea how long I've been awake(and as a side effect no idea if I'm allowed to be kind of sleepy or if my body is just on crack), and no idea how long HE was asleep.

Mon, 03 Dec 2007 01:35:45 GMT

Dorian and I were getting ready to make a big salad for dinner. When we took the package of mushroom out of the refrigerator we discovered that one of them was growing MOLD.

Okay, first of all, we've only had these mushrooms for TWO DAYS.

And second, mushrooms don't grow mold when they go bad! Mushroom ARE a form of mold! When they go bad they melt!

Thu, 29 Nov 2007 12:11:35 GMT

I'm supposed to be sleeping right now.

yeah, not sleepy

*flail*

Fri, 23 Nov 2007 15:39:15 GMT

on the one hand I'm pleased that my period seems to be back to doing something resembling normal.

on the other hand did it HAVE to start off with one of the periods that's got very little blood but makes up for it with pain

*weeps*

Thu, 22 Nov 2007 23:42:30 GMT

happy Thanksgiving all

Mon, 19 Nov 2007 10:34:15 GMT

So I suppose I out to, y'know, update once in a while?

....yeah I never am very good about that really.

Um, so we've had a new rat for a while now. Dorian may or may not have mentioned it. We named him Galahad. I swear he's the cutest rat in the world.

I actually have the beginings of a commission right now. An online friend of mine who is part of the group that runs NerdaCon at Columbus State University asked me to design a banner for the next one coming up, and said since I'd already done a couple things for him for free he'd pay me this time. He doesn't need it till some time in February, so I've got plenty of time. I've already got a few ideas though

In the TMI area, I actually havn't had any kind of perioding at all for about a week now. I'm hoping to be done with that BS forever, but frankly I'd be happy with just having a normal period again.

You know for making a post just cause I hadn't in a while and talking about what amounts to nothing I made a pretty big entry...

Tue, 06 Nov 2007 23:28:52 GMT

Well shit.

My rat Tofu died today.

She had what we thought was a benign tumor, so earlier today we took her in for surgery. She made it through that okay. But between the surgery and us getting there to pick her up she passed away.

....and it's only really starting to hit me now that my baby is dead.

And the car is still out so we can't take her to the park to bury her, we need to think of somewhere we can walk to.

Mon, 22 Oct 2007 16:23:53 GMT

bleh. So there's the actual period for the month. Started...yesterday? a couple days ago? One of those. Seems to be slowing down already. huzzah. How it even functions still is beyond me, honestly. Buuuuuuut I haven't been to a doctor and had it looked at in a very long time, so maybe it's not in as bad of shape as I think it should be? Whatever, I still want the thing out.

Fri, 12 Oct 2007 14:32:39 GMT

So... My period is halted for now. My lower back is giving me problems by aching at least a little when I wake up, but whatever that's nothing new.

Let me see... I'm currently reading The Glasswrights' Journyman, It's the thirs in a series. The books themselves are fantastic, except for the beginning. The author, Mindy Klasky, is horrid at BEGGINING a story. The first few chapters are pain. But having done a bit of research I've discovered that the Glasswright series is her first series of books, so I'm a bit more forgiving.

Tue, 02 Oct 2007 18:50:25 GMT

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!?!?!?!?!

(TMI, seriously)

oh god the bloody floodgates have opened. a tampon is a must, or every time I twitch I squelch into my pad.

And the clots. Jesus H. Christ the clots. I'M ROTTING AND FALLING APART!

I swear to god one of my fallopian tubes was attached to the last tampon I pulled out

Why am I not dead? seriously *flop*

Sat, 29 Sep 2007 00:52:05 GMT

What in the hell is up with this period?

yeah, more TMI. If you don't want to hear it my journal isn't the best place to hang out. As it is this is going to be one of the more detailed adventures. I mean even *I* think this stuff is TMI.

.............so seriously, go away if you don't want to hear all about my girly woes.

So anyway. Period. It seems to be starting to end, the blood is taking on the orangy color I assosiate with an ending period anyway. I've also come to the conclusion that maybe that week before the blood started I really WAS perioding, and it just took that long to actually find a way out. Gross, but my internal works are twisted and bizarre enough that I'd buy it.

Also, I'm wearing a pad, but almost don't have to. There will be droplets of blood on the pad. Then I wipe this whole glob out. GROSS.

Sat, 22 Sep 2007 13:36:40 GMT

I HATE computers. Serious.

Se we got a new chipset fan for Dorian's computer. Installing it was a bitch and a half.

And now there's some problem with the video card or something. Half the time the monitor doesn't register the computer as on, the rest it gets stuck on the loading screen.

FUCK!

Sat, 22 Sep 2007 03:23:06 GMT

Cramps. Why god why. And did you have to give me a little real bleeding?

But I digress and get on to the real thing I wanted to update with.

There's a gaming forum I go to. Went to, lurk at, whatever. I used to go there all the time because there were a few people I really enjoyed talking to, and it was a place away from the insanity that went on at the board we all met on over the summer. A couple of them just went back to the big board, because that one I'm talking about is falling apart and they know it. One, the guy who runs the place, is no longer around but once in a blue moon because he's still trying to get his site FUNCTIONING.

But one guy? I don't understand. All I can think is it's someone else using his name. See, this is a guy I REALLY LIKE. He would talk to me wherever he saw me and always had great things to say about the art I would upload. Something happens and he needs a small break from online. Understandable. I told him I'd miss him and would see him whenever he came back.

So five days go by and he's back. Sad still, but back. Only.....he won't talk to me. There are SEVERAL places I have a chance to see him, and have spoken directly to him.....but he won't actually say anything to me. And it hurts. But I've seen him sad before, he doesn't ignore the people he cares about when he's sad. I was actually on the small list of people he WANTED to talk to when sad. I've gotten ONE comment from him this whole time in my art thread....and it wasn't even about my art.

I just....don't understand. I'm convinced it's someone else using his name, he's just not like this. But it still hurts so bad.

Thu, 20 Sep 2007 23:31:53 GMT

my hip is stupid. It's just out of place enough to be awkward and almost impossible to have my leg in a comfortable position.

On the period front, which probably means this is tmi, I'm having a not much of a period. It's more what I would expect from the END of my period o_O;

Wed, 19 Sep 2007 07:05:17 GMT

So, I'm having one of those days where I desperately want out of the house.

We're supposed to go get ice cream soon. We're just waiting for the roommate to be able to drive us.

Wed, 19 Sep 2007 02:07:31 GMT

This is probably TMI. There's also many swear words.

Fuck. Fuckity fuck fucking fuck!

I had so hoped. It seemed so much like I would never have to deal with this shit again.

But NOOOOOOOOO. I went and peed after getting up this morning and I wipe and what do I see but a smear of bloody stuff! A bit dead, like it had been waiting to come out for a couple days.

DAMNIT!

Mon, 17 Sep 2007 21:33:14 GMT

So for whatever reason me jaw on the right side hurts. Where I had a wisdom tooth taken out. I have no real idea why, though I might have slept on my knuckles.

Sun, 16 Sep 2007 22:47:31 GMT

My hair was really stupid and poofy this morning, even after I combed it. I'm blaming this on the fact that I washed it and used conditioner yesterday. So now I'm wearing a hat to flatten it again. By now it probably IS flat, but I don't care enough to take my hat off again XD!!!

It's a Metallica baseball cap. Most hats look stupid on me. But I can wear baseball style hats backwards. I think ANYONE looks like a tard wearing them the 'right' way though.

Sun, 16 Sep 2007 00:06:40 GMT

Long freaking quiz

101. My name is: Noelle

100. I was born in: Denver, Colorado

99. I am really: A lot of things. Nice sweet and insane are the most common things said about me though.

98. My cell phone company is: I don’t have one now. When I was in Colorado I used Cricket.

97. My eye color is: blue

96. My shoe size is: 7 and a half usually

95. My ring size is: *shrug* To be honest I don’t pay attention

94. My height is: five feet. Go short!

93. I am allergic to: Nothing that I’m aware of. Well…unless lice shampoo making my scalp break out counts

92. I was born on: February 1st 1986. At 4:58 in the afternoon!

91. I am annoyed by: people, mostly. Individuals can be great, but I hate people. I’m also annoyed when a drawing refuses to come out.

90. Last book you read: Old Tin Sorrows by Glen Cook. It’s the 4th book in the Garrett, P.I. series.

89. My bed is: too small some days, and 6 feet wide on others.

88: One thing you hate about yourself: You know I’m not honestly sure I have an answer for this question anymore. That’s not to say I think I’m perfect, that would be stupid. I have my flaws, who doesn’t? But I just accept those as part of who I am. Sometimes I hate that I’m submissive.

87. My favorite Holiday is: honestly? I love a lot of holidays. I usually tag Halloween as my favorite because on that day I can dress up and no one says shit.

86. The perfect kiss: This is a silly question

85. The last three cd's I bought were: Um…..I know we bout Straight out of Lynwood by Weird Al recently. Other than that I don’t know. It’s been to long.

84. Are you living at home: Home is where the heart is right? Where I’m living is my home. If by that question you mean if I’m living with my parents, then no.

83. Do you have any siblings: Now that’s an interesting question. Or rather, the answer from me is interesting. Biologically I have a half brother. I like to keep up with him through my mom, because she still talks to him. He is doing better now, from what we can tell. But I don’t consider him my brother at all, which would make me an only child. But wait; let me take it another step. There are a handful of boys I’ve known since I was really little that I always considered my brothers. I still talk to a couple of them, and still consider them my brothers.

82. Are your parents divorced: Ah confusion, such is my life. My biological parents have been divorced since I was 6. However my mom and the guy that is actually Dad to me are married.

81. What did you do yesterday: uh…. I can’t remember. Dorian is doing this too, look at his answer. It’s not that I don’t remember the events by the way. It’s that I can’t remember what events happened specifically YESTERDAY. Yay for difficulty grasping time!

:::I Believe In:::

80. Love at first sight: Yes. But that doesn’t mean it’s always happening.

79. Luck: yes absolutely.

78. Fate: that’s an interesting one. The short answer is that yes I do. There are some events in your life that are simply fated to happen. Free will and the choices you make determine how ling and how said event happens.

77. Yourself: I do now. And to be honest that’s mostly because Dorian believes in me.

76. Aliens: Yes, I refuse to believe that earth is the only place with life. I just also think that said aliens wouldn’t have much interest in us humans

75. Heaven: Yes, and what it is depends on what you want it to be or what you want most.

74. Hell: again, yes. And again, what it is depends on what you think it should be

73. Ghosts: I not only believe in ghosts, but believe that a couple have been hanging around me since I was a kid.

72. Horoscopes: they’re fun to read, that’s about it though.

71. Soulmates: yes, but also that you’re not limited to one. And being soulmates doesn’t necessarily mean being lovers.

:::Which is Better:::

70. Hugs or Kisses: both

69. Drunk or High: neither

68. Phone or Online: online mostly, I don’t like the phone. Unless it’s someone that I talk to frequently on the phone, then either is fine.

67. Red heads or Black haired: it’s a hair color. I’ll like it unless it looks weird on a person.

66. Blondes or Brunettes: see above

65. Hot or cold: Between the two I’ll go with hot. I’m used to heat anyway, since I grew up in a desert area. Granted the WET heat I get most of the time now can irritate me, but I still prefer it over cold. If I’m going to have to put up with cold there had bloody well better be some snow to make up for it.

64. Summer or winter: the IDEA of both seasons appeal to me. In the end I usually like summer better because winter usually end up being cold and NOT having snow.

63. Fall or Spring: I like both of these.

62. Chocolate or vanilla: both

61. Night or Day: Night. Less people to deal with and when it’s really hot during the day that’s when it’s cool enough outside to leave the house anyway.

60. Oranges or Apples: Oranges. Give me apple juice or apple pie and I’ll have plenty. But the actual fruit I just don’t care about.

59. Curly or Straight hair: Again, it is hair.

:::Here's What I Think About:::

58. Abortion: I’m all for it. Not that it’s probably even POSSIBLE for me to get pregnant, but if I ever managed it I’d go for one in a heartbeat. I don’t WANT a kid and I couldn’t take care of one if I wanted to. And there’s enough kids out there that need to be adopted already, I’m not going to make another one.

57. Backstabbers: who doesn’t hate them? Honestly.

:::Last time I:::

56.Had food? Uh…. Well all I’ve had since I woke up I a mello yello. So yesterday.

55. Saw someone I haven't seen in awhile: um… Well my mom was out her in June…. Other than that I’m not sure

54. Cried in front of someone: Fuck if I know. I’m only just relearning how to cry after having forgotten since I was like….10?

53. Who is the ditziest person you know: *shrug*

52. Who makes you laugh the most: Dorian

51. The last movie I saw: Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End

50. What I don't understand is: there’s probably a hundred ways I could answer this. I don’t understand time; I don’t understand the English language half the time (I can use it, doesn’t mean I understand it). I don’t understand how messed up parents can be. I don’t understand how cruel people in general can be. I don’t understand why it’s such a big deal that I’ve made the choices I have for MYSELF.

49. Something I always really miss when I leave home is: I’m usually bringing the thing I’d really miss with me. (that would be Dorian, ew gross) With the exception of a couple times I’ve gone to Colorado to visit my parents

48. The thing that I'm looking forward to the most: I don’t really look forward. But….um…. I really want to go see the new place my parents have moved to, and bring Dorian with me. That counts right?

47. The thing that I'm not looking forward to is: I don’t have an answer to this

46. Tomorrow: is tomorrow

45. Today: is now. I’m on the computer typing this. I don’t think we have plans for today. But I don’t pay attention. I can’t. I just wait for Dorian to tell me it’s time to get ready to leave the house for whatever reason. And if he tells me it’s something we’ve had planned for a while I believe him.

44. Next Summer: is there

43. Next Weekend: is also there

42. People call me: depends on where I am. Most people call me Noelle. Online, depending on the site, I could be EiceartInbheLadarna, Eiceart, EIL EvIL, Favitz, Hanras, or Han

41. The person who knows the most about me is: Dorian, no contest. I’ve told him things that I don’t dare tell anyone else. I’ve told him things about myself that most times *I* don’t remember.

40. The most difficult thing to do is: Honestly? For me? Saying no. And not in the ‘you’re my friend so I really don’t want to say no to you’ kind of way. But in the ‘I don’t even know you and I really, really don’t want to do this’ kind of way. I CAN say no. But it’s really fucking hard to do.

39. I have gotten a speeding ticket: heh, I don’t drive

38.My zodiac sign is: Aquarius

37. The first person i talked to today was: Dorian, he’s always the first person I talk to. Though often my commentary consists of “hnrgl…?”

36. First time you had a crush: um……I think I was 7

35. The one person who i can't hide things from: Hah, bet you’re sick of this name! Dorian

34. Last time someone said something you were thinking: uh…Dorian does that all the time

33. Right now I am talking to: rofl, Dorian

32. What is your dream job? Not having to have one. Which I’m doing, yay! I’m a freelance artist sure, which I like. But I draw for myself

31. First real job: volunteering at a petting zoo (The Belleview Animal Farm in Belleview park on Belleview avenue. Creative naming, no?)

30. I have/will get a job: right, I will avoid it at all costs. Forced to get a job I would try to get one working at a game store.

29. I have these pets: two cats, two rats, a gerbil, and a mouse. And want more!

28. I wish: Dorian knows what I wish. The world thinks I’m insane enough so I’m not gonna mention it here.

27. The worst sound in the world: is a crying baby

26. The person that makes me cry the most is: I don’t cry. And I don’t keep people that upset me in my life.

25. Best sound in the world: There’s LOTS of good sounds!

24. Person[s] that makes you happy: Dorian heads this list naturally. Um, our roommate most of the time, my parents, my friends…

23. Florida or Hawaii: Florida is humid, has huge bugs, and all the old people go there to retire. So Hawaii. It doesn’t have all the old stupid people.

22. My favorite piece of clothing: it’s CLOTHES, I couldn’t care less. I’m usually not even the one dressing myself.

21. Last time I cried: um, a few days ago one of the scenes in LoD got a tear out of me

20. My friends are: what reminds me that not ALL humans are bad. And treasured!

19. My computer is: made of old pieces of Dorian’s computer!

18. The school I go to is: I don’t go to school and I’m bloody glad of it.

17. Last person I got mad at: um….dunno honestly

16. The all-time best movie is: I like a lot of movies, I can’t pick a best

15. The all-time best feeling in the world is: That’s a difficult one. But for me? Probably when someone I care about tells me I made a good choice, considering making decisions isn’t something I do most of the time.

14. I lose all respect for people who: I don’t have respect for people to begin with. That’s something that gets earned.

13. The movie I cried at was: again, I don’t cry. I’ve FELT like crying sometimes.

12. TV channels you watch: I don’t watch TV

11. Favorite web site: I don’t go to that many websites honestly. And none of them do I REALLY care about enough to call my ‘favorite’.

10. I like/love: Well that’s a nice vague question isn’t it? I like LOTS of things.

9. The worst pain I was ever in was: I’d say that time I was 7, but honestly I was so numbed out for most of that that I didn’t register pain. Um….for physical pain? There was this one time sometime in the last year where I had a cramp that was so bad I COULDN’T hold still, but at the same time I couldn’t move very far.

8. My favorite word is: I don’t have one. But there’s a bunch of words that I think are really funny. Some of which are really inappropriate to laugh at, according to a lot of the world anyway.

7. My room is: standard apartment colors, how boring. There’s lots of posters, lots of dressers, and lots of plushies.

6. My favorite celebrity is: I don’t have a single favorite really. Though at this moment Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, and Johnny Depp leap to mind. Oh, and Vin Diesel.

5. My weakness is: Without Dorian around that I’m so submissive. I’m not very good at taking care of myself.

4. What I like about the opposite sex is: No one thing really. Different people have different things that make them attractive, likeable, whatever. Unless they’re just a jackass.

3. Who broke your heart: I don’t think anyone has broken just my heart. I’ve had it included in the package when other parts of me have been shattered. In the romantical sense any of my heart brewakage has been entirely my own fault, largely because I was always too much of a chicken to DO anything, even when I KNEW the other person liked me.

2. One thing that makes you feel great is: Just one? Um…. Having Dorian there to take care of me.

1. One person that you wish you could see right now: There’s a lot of people from my high school that I’d like to see again. I hated the actual school part, but there were some people that I really liked. Having to pick one though it would probably have to be Rufus. I’m not even going to get into why *dies of embarrassment just thinking about it*